One Woman's Journey to More Fully Love Her Own Body

If you could use some inspiration to more fully love and accept your own body, you’ll enjoy this guest post from Lisa Vincent, a frequent contributor to The Soulmate Experience on Facebook. Lisa, we are deeply moved by your willingness to share your story, to be "spiritually naked" in the world so that we all may learn through you!

Perfect timing. I had spent a long day working at my computer and was totally exhausted. I wanted to drop immediately into bed. I was in the bathroom getting ready for the evening when I looked over and saw the bathtub. It called to me. I am currently staying at a friend’s place, and my home for the past two years only had a shower. I couldn’t think of anything I wanted to do more this beautiful Friday night, in the exciting city of San Francisco, than lay in that bathtub and read The Soulmate Experience.

I didn’t know when I began reading the second chapter, “Loving Your Body,” that I could not have created a better setting than lying naked in a pool of shallow, warm water, unable to avoid the entirety of my nakedness. Little did I know that during this reading session I would not only be physically naked, but that the exercises in this chapter would lovingly undress me into emotional nudity as well.

Loving my body is something I’ve slowly been making progress toward. I have spent a good many years being verbally and emotionally abusive to myself - mind, body, and spirit. I found the exercises in The Soulmate Experience that coach you into loving your body to be very powerful.

One of the exercises is to choose very specific body parts and study them: identify what role they play in your life, appreciate them, thank them, love them. I started, as the book suggests, with my hands. I sometimes look at my hands in disdain because the skin that covers them is not as thick and resilient as it once was, causing wrinkles and the ability to see more clearly the veins that carry blood through my body. As I lay in the tub, looking at the amazing hands that allow me to write this very post, the hands that held my only child, the fingers that ran through past lovers’ hair, I felt immense gratitude and love. It was as if I separated ME from my hands. I looked at them as an entirely separate entity. Like an old, beloved friend.

I remembered sitting on my Grannie’s lap as a child, holding her hand in mine and tracing her pronounced veins with my finger. One of those times, my mother saw this and told me that what I was doing was rude. My grandmother must have loved and accepted her hands, or maybe it was me she loved and accepted, because she told my mother that it was alright and allowed me to continue tracing.

I had no idea, at this young age, that protruding veins were not considered beautiful. I loved this part of my Grannie’s body. I loved the way her smooth, shiny, veiny hands looked and felt in mine. Who decided that these features were anything less than magnificent? And when did I start believing it? If I thought of my Grannie as beautiful then, can I think of myself as beautiful now?

This series of thoughts extended to the rest of my body. The book mentions a woman being grateful for her soft belly that had once protected her unborn child. I contemplated this as I lay naked, pushing into the softness of my own belly. I began to weep in gratitude for all of the parts of my body that worked perfectly together to create and deliver my own cherished child. This belly of mine represents the MIRACLE that occurred there. How could this piece of me, which played such an important part of something so miraculous, deserve anything less than my reverence?

If negative thoughts about my hands and my belly were lies, then what other lies had I believed? Is that small roll of flesh on my back, below my bra, really that bad? And what about the texture of my thighs? Is anything less than perfectly smooth flesh really disgusting? Would I have thought so as a child if no one had told me it was? Are my legs any less worthy of love, appreciation, and gratitude for carrying me around all of these years? Will my lover still enjoy having these legs wrapped around him during a passionate night of uninhibited sex? How could the distraction of not loving this part of my body inhibit that passion?

Do the imperfections of these body parts mean that I am not sexy? Oh no, folks. I AM sexy. The Soulmate Experience explains a mirror exercise. The goal in this exercise is to see your body as a whole. Although I have not had time to practice this regularly yet, I can tell you that it works. In my Bikram yoga practice, I come face-to-face with myself in the mirror, in form-fitting clothes, and watch myself twist into very interesting positions on a regular basis. When I first started this practice, I was obsessed with what I saw as the flaws of my individual body parts. Then, one day, I saw MYSELF. I was struck by the realization of my beautiful form. I stood in awe at the awareness of my body as a whole. Now, every time I pass a full-length mirror, I make it a point to stop and appreciate the shape of my sexy body.

The “Loving Your Body” chapter does not focus just on appearance; I just strongly relate to that. It also encourages you to care for yourself. Listen to your body. Attend to its physical needs. Develop a caring, loving relationship with yourself.

I knew before reading this chapter of The Soulmate Experience that it is important to care for, love, and accept my body, but following the exercises encouraged me to take the time necessary to deeply consider the concepts within. These changes in thought pattern are invaluable. My body is my home. It’s where I live. Shouldn’t we all be comfortable, happy, and at peace in our own homes?

Naked Soul

This is a guest post by Leslie Gibford Escoto, a frequent contributor to The Soulmate Experience on Facebook who inspires others with her transparency and vulnerability as she shares the insights and challenges she encounters along her own path of awakening.

I have been going through a transition, an awakening, and I have been sharing much of it on Facebook. It's been quite cathartic for me to expose myself in this way: it's not "safe," as it's there for close friends and simple acquaintances to see and then to judge. It's interesting how so many who profess to be "good" friends will turn away when they see someone whose soul is naked, exposed. And there are others who will look but only through their fingers covering their eyes (by the way, that's how I watch horror flicks) and then there are a few who will embrace your exposure, compliment your nakedness, and reach out to take your hand as you walk down that "beach" for all to see. 

Actually, I think there are more people who judge a naked spirit than a naked body. Our bodies are all flawed, especially when you get to be my age and so it's easy to look at the less than perfect body of someone else. We are familiar, comfortable with seeing the miraculous human form with all its dents, dings, wrinkles, etc. But when a less than perfect soul is revealed, people shy away because in our own minds we think we have it all figured out and to see the struggle, pain, and self-doubt of someone else—deep down inside it strikes a chord that we might have some of the same issues and that's a very hard thing to accept: that we are not totally okay, that we don't have everything under control, that we are vulnerable and we have pain.

But it's precisely when a naked soul is exposed that human beings need to band together to provide comfort, support, lessons, opinions, and love—because we all know that we have been, are, or will be there ourselves.

Keep It Vibrant! Make Date Night “Experience Night”

Recent research into long-term relationships confirms that novelty is essential for sustaining romance. Exciting new experiences cause the body to produce the same hormones that are activated when we fall in love. When we encounter the unknown, we enter a state of heightened awareness. We feel alive. And when we do this together, we feel connected through that sense of vitality.

One way to inject novelty into your relationship—and make date night compelling as well as fun—is to experiment with activities that are entirely new to you both. The range of experiences available today is virtually unlimited. With ten minutes of research online (try searching “exciting date ideas” or listings of local events), you’ll find plenty of ideas for things that will make you both a little nervous or apprehensive—which is exactly what you’re looking for.

You might take a class together, like contra dancing, painting, singing, partner yoga, or couples massage. Join a drum circle, go out for an evening of karaoke, volunteer at a hospital or homeless shelter, or shoot a game at the local pool hall. Attend an experimental music concert, a performance art show, or a lecture on a topic you know nothing about. Be spontaneous: Climb a tree, do a cartwheel, walk in the rain, make out in the moonlight. Read poetry to each other, go bowling, join a book group, or take a photography walk. Challenge your inner skeptic by visiting a palm reader, having your aura photographed, or getting a tarot reading. Camp out instead of reserving a room—especially if you’ve ever insisted, “I don’t camp!” Remember, the point is to go beyond your comfort zones.

Physical activities, particularly unfamiliar ones, are especially bonding, as they will call on you to support and rely on one another. Take a hip-hop or tai chi class. Try hula hooping, skinny dipping, line dancing, or indoor skydiving. Take lessons at a rock-climbing gym, join a boot-camp workout group, or train for a triathlon. Or get a little more intimate by seeking out a Japanese spa, a mud bath, or even a pole-dancing class. If these suggestions are too mundane for you, how about stripping down for a naked yoga class?

Read more inspiring ideas in Chapter 11: Exploring the Edges in the new book The Soulmate Experience: A Practical Guide to Creating Extraordinary Relationships.

Seek a Higher Possibility

When faced with challenging circumstances, strive to stay open to other ideas, options, and approaches. There is another possibility in any situation, even if it's not obvious at first.
 

Jeanne, a spunky seventy-something, lives in a townhouse. The woman next door has a grandson who likes to hang out on the patio while listening to rap music and smoking. The sounds and smoke drift right into Jeanne’s windows, which she prefers to keep open. Jeanne had asked the young man several times to turn the volume down, but soon the music would be going full blast again. She also bought him a smokeless ashtray, but he didn’t seem inclined to use it.
 

Jeanne was frustrated with the situation for months, until she finally got fed up with keeping her windows closed and feeling like a prisoner in her own home. So she sat down and asked herself, What’s possible here?
 

Jeanne realized that although she prefers not to smell cigarette smoke, she feels that, at her age, she really doesn’t need to worry about cancer. A higher possibility for her, she decided, was to let the smoke and noise be reminders to be grateful that her senses were still sharp. This shift in perspective brought her an immediate feeling of peace. One day she even found herself standing up and beginning to move to the music she found so offensive—getting some welcome exercise in the process.

This solution may not work for everyone, but it worked for Jeanne. If she had stayed stuck in her position, she says, she would have continued to resist the young man’s behavior and done nothing except add to her own frustration. She certainly wouldn’t be getting up to dance! What Jeanne had learned was this: Once we’ve taken all reasonable steps to alleviate a difficult situation, what’s left is to find a higher possibility.

Read more inspiring, true stories in Chapter 4: Raising Your Soulmate Potential of the new book The Soulmate Experience: A Practical Guide to Creating Extraordinary Relationships. 

Playing Leapfrog

In our ongoing pursuit to live a happy, fulfilling life, we are all evolving in many directions at once. We may be actively developing ourselves in areas such as our career, our health, or our self-worth. We might be improving our relationship to money, food, aging, exercise, or sex. At any point in time, each of us will be more evolved in some areas than in others.

In a soulmate relationship, partners are uniquely qualified to guide and support each other in this natural process of self-development. Better than anyone else, your partner can see your untapped potential. They can “hold a positive belief about you," relationship guru Michael Naumer used to say, "until the evidence shows up.” They can see opportunities for you to grow and expand. They can also detect where insecurity, doubt, or other fears may be holding you back. Your partner doesn’t even need to be more evolved than you in a particular area in order to offer you invaluable support and guidance.

In a very real sense, a soulmate is your custom-made personal coach, spiritual teacher, and cheerleader, aware of your potential, as well as your limitations, in every aspect of your life. As your personal coach, they keep you on track with your desires and aspirations. As your spiritual teacher, they guide you in the direction of your very best self. As your cheerleader, they offer regular encouragement, motivation, and inspiration.

Leapfrog is the process through which soulmates assist one another in taking the next leap toward their full potential. Just as players in the children’s game support one another in moving forward, soulmates inspire each other to recognize and unlock their potential in every area of their lives.

Excerpted from Chapter 10: Playing Leapfrog in the new book The Soulmate Experience: A Practical Guide to Creating Extraordinary Relationships. 

Love Yourself—Love Your Body

Our perfection-obsessed culture encourages us to view our bodies as a collection of parts and then to continually identify and reject “imperfections” in those parts. If you’re like many people, you have a body part—or maybe several—that you’ve been giving yourself negative messages about for years.

Jessica, who runs marathons in addition to raising two children and managing her own business, focuses daily on the appearance of her stomach, which remains soft and round no matter how many miles she runs or sit-ups she does. Jason checks his bald spot in the mirror almost every time he uses the restroom. Steven has worried since puberty about the size of his penis.

Self-criticism has direct effects on our intimate relationships. Although Jessica is extremely fit, her almost obsessive thoughts about her stomach keep her from being fully comfortable when she’s naked. This makes sex with her husband much less enjoyable than it could be. “He tells me I’m beautiful,” she says, “but when we’re making love, I’m constantly distracted because I’m thinking about my stomach.” Jason began going bald in his early twenties and has never been comfortable when women touch his hair. Steven, consumed with the belief that he can’t satisfy a woman through intercourse, admits, “I have never found myself lost in the experience of making love. I am always too busy worrying that I won’t satisfy her.”

When the world around us holds up flat stomachs, full heads of hair, and large penises as models of perfection, it’s easy to fall into the trap of comparing ourselves to those ideals day after day and coming up short every time. But even if we were able to “fix” the things we’re convinced are our worst features—if Jessica endures liposuction, for example, or Jason goes through the pain and expense of hair implants—we wouldn’t suddenly feel whole. That’s because by the time we’re young adults, the habit of scanning our bodies for features that don’t measure up is deeply ingrained.

The truth is, our bodies are nothing short of miraculous. For all they are and everything they do for us, they deserve our compassion, admiration, and even reverence. Yet making critical remarks about our bodies often passes for casual conversation: “These jeans make me look fat.” “Trash those pictures before someone sees them. I look so old!” Even if we never criticize our bodies out loud, many of us do so daily in our heads: “I hate that double chin!” “Why did I have to get the curly hair?”

Any way in which you reject yourself prevents you from being able to fully connect with another human being. When you carry a belief that any part of you is unacceptable, you simply can’t be completely present with someone else or, for that matter, even with yourself. Even if you don’t belittle your body or put yourself down for not changing it in ways you would like, the more you can raise your appreciation for the body you have right now, the more available you will be for the soulmate experience.

~Excerpted from "Chapter 2: Loving Your Body" in the new book The Soulmate Experience: A Practical Guide to Creating Extraordinary Relationships

A New Definition of "Baggage"

We often hear that someone has “too much baggage” to be ready for a committed, connected relationship. At forty, Kiran had been married and divorced twice. He still owns and operates a business with his first wife and a rental property with his second. When he started dating again after his second divorce, Kiran got the message time and time again that all this “baggage” was a big strike against him.

After three years of this sort of rejection, Kiran met Leah. Rather than seeing Kiran’s former spouses as a burden, Leah saw them as an opportunity to get to know him better. “I would love to have met Kiran earlier in life, so it’s great to have them around,” she says. “They tell me stories about him that go back to high school.” Leah and Kiran have now been married for several years. “I’m very close to both his exes,” she says. “I actually call them my sisters-in-law!” Now, who had the baggage here: Kiran, or the women he’d dated before meeting Leah?

From Kiran’s story, we can see that baggage isn’t always what we think it is. It isn’t necessarily our circumstances, our past, or even the issues we’re currently working with. Baggage is often just a lack of flexibility about accepting whatever is showing up in our life or someone else’s.